Homer's Odyssey/Book I

Narrator

Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who travelled far and wide after he had sacked the famous town of Troy. Many cities did he visit, and many were the nations with whose manners and customs he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by sea while trying to save his own life and bring his men safely home; but do what he might he could not save his men, for they perished through their own sheer folly in eating the cattle of the Sun-god Hyperion; so the god prevented them from ever reaching home. Tell me, too, about all these things, O daughter of Jove, from whatsoever source you may know them.

Match

Me? Like, I haven't seen Homer come back to, like, Ithaca since... y'know, he, like, graduated from Cornell.

Homer

How the fuck did I get here?

Calypso

Hey Homer!

Homer

God damn it Calypso, I wanna go back to Ithaca.

Calypso

It's a beautiful night, we're looking for something dumb to do...

Homer

This is dumb-

Calypso

Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you!

Homer

Is this seriously some fucking Bruno Mars karaoke? Cuz I'm not falling for this! I have a wife!

Calypso

Is it the look in your eyes?

Homer

Uhh-

Calypso

Or is it this dancing juice?

Homer

*slurping on apple juice*

Calypso

Who cares, baby? I think I wanna-

Zeus	Calypso, let Homer go or I'll smite Atlantis again.

Homer

Oh thank goodness.

Match

OMG... Is that really, like, you, Homer? You're back in Ithaca after, like, so many years?

Neptune

Not on my watch. I'm not letting ol' Homer go this time. You see, I've come from Ethiopia to get a flock of sheep and a herd of cows, but then something happened and now I'm here at the damn house of Olympian Jove.

Homer

Neptune? What's wrong? You sound depressed.

Neptune

People keep blaming us for nothing! Remember Aegisthus? He oughta date Agamemnon's wife before killing Agamemnon... well, uh, that would be bad news for him. Whatever, I just happened to send Mercury to prevent such a catastrophe from ever happening. It's like how Orestes wants revenge when he grows up. Just straight up ignorant. Poor Mercury...